I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
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me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe