What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
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i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them