“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
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When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Kids: Stay in school.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Don’t snitch tag.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11