It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
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On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
no their not
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers