Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
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Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I’m aging like a fine banana
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?