[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
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I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Gemma Correll
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH