Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
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There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.