Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
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interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I support this random dude and all his protests
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.