Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
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I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
this could fix me
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?