Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
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Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
How to draw a duck
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.