I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Oh thank god, you wouldn鈥檛 want your kid to ruin family booze night
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don鈥檛 really like grapes
Me: say no more
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
need him
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I finally found my wife鈥檚 hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 馃暢 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I鈥檓 still single. Especially my wife.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it鈥檚 one of the most nurturing relationships I鈥檝e ever had.