When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
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Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
True?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered