[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
You Might Also Like
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I love the honesty
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I’m Sold!
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.