When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
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*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
They’re on their honeymoon
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol