please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
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People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents