Worth remembering.
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I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”