Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
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Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this