My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember