[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
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ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel