Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
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I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
yea so i messed up lol
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.