My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
reduce, reuse, recycle
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
getting groceries
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
thinking about a very short hotdog
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.