My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
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inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.