Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
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the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
How is it still this week?