Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
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[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
still the best tweet of the year by far
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica