*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
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If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.