I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
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Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.