Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
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Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids