wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
You Might Also Like
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
This bar smells like my childhood.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell