Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
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Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME