There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
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Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
In case you needed to hear it:
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Never let them know your next move 😂
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.