completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
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*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.