Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
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Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
This made me chuckle.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?