Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
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I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I have obtained a hat
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.