My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.