I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
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Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
A friend helps you before you need it
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
How do dragons blow out candles?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie