Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
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A leaf blower, but for people.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
This hospital has everything
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.