Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
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Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
sugar glider wrangler
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.