got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
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It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.