Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
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I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
6. me as a lawyer
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.