Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
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Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
we’re gonna need another temp
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
don’t we all
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.