When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
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Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I feel it
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Monday?
No. Next question.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*