smartest karate player in the world
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Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
*sewing*
A thread
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Who knew!
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.