If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
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Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Beauty and the Beast
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.