friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
You Might Also Like
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*