i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
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Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
He a real one for that
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Just how popey was the pope today?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?