There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
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Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
this makes me so uncomfortable
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.