BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
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I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
crochet youtube is brutal
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.