i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
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I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole