I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
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the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.