In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
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Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.